It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
