That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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