The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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