you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
