I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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