Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
