college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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