i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
