I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
