I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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