my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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