I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
