I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
