im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
