Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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