Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
