I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
