mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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