I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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