Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
