okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
