Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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