I could make wine with my vomit
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
