She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
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I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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