I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
