Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
