I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
