How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
