Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
