if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
