I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
