Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
he puts the penis in happiness.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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