i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
