so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
