can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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