New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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