My hand turned me down
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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