Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My cat gives me a boner
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
