Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
