This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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