I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back