I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
