I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
