all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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