my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
