sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
