Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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