My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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