I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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