"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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