My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
