I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Why can't burritos get me drunk
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
