My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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