woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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