i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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