Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
