Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
