Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
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life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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