i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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